Heartache

I swear the hardest conversation in any person's life is telling the one person you loved whole heartedly, that you want them to be happy, even if it means with someone else.

I did that today.

In every woman's life, the first love is always the deepest. It's the first time she ever gives a man her heart and trusts him completely with it. It's an absolutely beautiful feeling. But when it ends, it hurts more than any other pain. But its always the one love that will always stay in her heart.

Well, it's been two years since my first love and I ended things. Since him I've had two boyfriends, but neither of which were the same as it was with him. No one ever will be.

"The truth is, I gave my heart away a long time ago, my whole heart, and I never really got it back" -Sweet Home Alabama

Through everything life has thrown at us, we've remained very close friends. And I truly believe we always will be. He had been there for me through some difficult points in my life. And he is the only boy whose ever completely accepted me and loved me for exactly who I was. Whenever I cried or was sad or upset, he was who I called to talk about it. He's the only one who could ever understand or know what to say, or even when I just needed him to say nothing at all. When I was happy or excited I called him because I knew he would know exactly why I was so happy. He could appreciate whatever it was that meant so much to me. And of course he was the same way with me.

After we ended things he had an off and on thing with this girl but after a while I guess it just kind of simmered out. It was never anything really serious. But then a few months ago, I could tell the way he talked to me had changed a little. Apparently he had started spending time with another girl. At first I didn't really get too concerned because I didn't think it was anything serious. He never really talked about her. But in the back of my mind, I knew he cared because things started to feel a little different between us. Then a few days ago, I found out they were more serious than I thought. They were "boyfriend and girlfriend". GIRLFRIEND.... a title he hadn't allowed any other woman to have the priveledge of having since me.

As much as it hurts, and as much as I wish I could just keep him to myself, I have to be fair. Because I know in my heart I can't expect him to sit around forever and be in love with me. Eventually he was going to have to move on with his life and find someone who could make him happy.

Today, I finished reading my book "Dear John" by Nicholas Sparks and the very end of the book he says that to truly love someone it means you have to want whatever makes them happy even if that means making a sacrifice.

That hit so close to home. I immediately had to call him and tell him that whatever it meant to make him happy I would completely support him and be happy for him and that I wished him all the best.

Hardest.words.of.my.life.

But I meant it completely.