Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Figuring it out

Today, I broke down. 

While at work I got on my blog and of course, read my absolute favorite blog PinkLouLou. During my "stalking" of this wonderful blog I ran across an engagement section. Now, for anyone who has ever read her blog you probably have found that she too was engaged and then called it off. She too didn't feel as though it was right. Our stories are a little different of course, but in general she was feeling the same things I've been feeling. Discomfort, fright, anger, hurt, sadness, relief, confusion, etc. But it was almost like therapy for me. Since this whole thing has happened I've been at war within myself. My heart tells me this is the right thing, but parts of me are just like "You're crazy! He's a great person, he is good to you, you're comfortable with him, what are you doing!" Then the voice of God steps in and says "Trust me, this is right"

As you may know, on Wednesdays I go and help out with the youth at my church. And of course, W does too. Mind you, this is the first time we've seen each other since the engagement was called off. Luckily we were cordial to each other. He's always going to be important to me, and I'll always love and care for him. There is no doubt about it. But right now, I can't think about anyone except myself and God. Remember that "war withing myself" I was talking about? It all came crashing down on me during the worship at church tonight. They played the song "How great is our God"
"Name above all names, you are worthy of all praise, and my heart will sing, how great is our God"
Tough stuff to say when you're at an odd with God. 

I've never been the submissive type. That's just not how I am.  Anyone who knows me can tell you that. I am headstrong, independent, and outspoken. I don't do well with taking orders from someone. And I definitely don't trust someone to make my decisions for me. But that's the thing about being a Christian. You have to "let go and let God" ... easier said than done. To be able to completely let down my guard and give it all over to him and trust him completely with my life and everything in it... so hard for me. But I know I have to . I mean he's the one that gave me this life to start with. Without him I wouldn't even be here to worry about this. This body, heart, soul, and mind aren't mine to make decisions for anyways. They are all gifts given to me because he loves me. So who am I to tell him he can't do as he wishes with them? 

Prayers are definitely needed right now for me, to get through this, but also for all the friends and family and W, who I know are all confused and possibly a little hurt from this decision. I know no one will ever understand why I did this, but don't ever think I did it with cruel intentions, please. 

Thank you, love you, goodnight

xoxo Kay