Friday, July 29, 2011

Cinderella story in real life

"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope."
-He's Just Not That Into You-

Last night V and I went to see Friends With Benefits, great movie by the way. It was a romantic comedy that I could finally relate to in some way. I related mostly to Mila Kunis's character Jamie. She is a girl who has a tough exterior, but on the inside, she is in love with being in love. She is mezmorized with the thought of a fairytale kind of love story. Which we all know, doesn't actually exist in reality. Time after time, men reject her and hurt her. Yet time after time, she falls for their "talk". It's like a never ending cycle. Until one day her "prince charming" saves her in the most unconventional way. 

I'm so much like Jamie. I'm so in love with the idea of being in love. 

A girls entire life, we're taught that love is like a fairytale. Boy and girl meet, fall madly in love, defeat the evil, and live happily ever after. All the movies, stories, and especially Disney are guilty of polluting our minds with this skewed unrealistic version of reality. Because we all know that love isn't like that at all. Love is hard. It doesn't make sense. It hurts sometimes, and other times it drives us absolutely mad. It makes us laugh, it makes us cry. It drags us through hell and back, through all kinds of loops in between. It's a fight to the bitter end. There is no such thing as happily ever after. It's a work in progress throughout the entirety of the relationship. 

So why bother? Well, I'll tell you why. Because when you finally find that true one. That "prince charming' if you will, he will be worth the hard work necessary that you have to put in to make a relationship work. And he will be willing to put the work in equally on his part. I'm not saying it will always be like this. there will be times where it might be 60/40 or 70/30, but all in all there will be an effort from both sides. Love is never easy. But nothing in life worth having ever is. 

'So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day." -The Notebook

"We're gonna do what lovers do. We're gonna have a fight or two. But I aint ever changing my mind."

Long story short, fairytales aren't real. Happily ever after only last a little while. And love is hard. But when you find the one that is worth it, hold on forever. 

Life is short

"Dream as if you'll live forever
Live as if you'll die tomorrow"

Sometimes, life throws you curveballs. Sometimes, those curveballs hurt bad. In the last year, I've been thrown a few curveballs that have really opened my eyes. They remind me that life is short. So live every day like its your last. And always remember, God has a reason for everything.

Last year one of my best friends had a scare. It brought us both to our knees before the Lord, tears in our eyes, begging for it to get better. She had kidney stones. Now I know that sounds stupid that kidney stones could be that scary, but it was. She had been having pains and been getting really sick. Her mom took her to the hospital and we found out she had a bladder infection. So the next day we went to a specialist and come to find out she had kidney stones. The doctor then looked at us and said that if she didnt get the kidney stone out A.S.A.P. she could die. Kidney stones and bladder infections can cause blood poisoning. We both lost is. All we could do was hug and cry. That had to be the scariest thing I've ever gone through in my life. She had the surgery to remove the kidney stone, and we all waited anxiously to hear that she'd be okay. Finally the good news came. I spent the majority of that week in the hospital with her and crying when I wasn't there. But God and I got reacquainted. We talked more that week than I think we've ever talked in my life. We couldn't figure out why he would do this to her. She was so young. Then he showed us. He showed us three different things. First and foremost, J's dad and her had a very rocky relationship. They hardly ever talked or spent any time with each other. But the moment she got sick, he drove all the way to see her and be with her. They got their relationship back, which they both desperately needed. Every girl needs her relationship with her father. Second, God showed us that he is there and he is all powerful. Evern when we think we're invincible because we're young, life can be taken in an instant. So live each day fully and appreciate it, because you never know when you won't have a tomorrow. And third he showed us that we need him. Nothing in this life is possible without God. It's by his grace that the doctors caught this in time to make her better. It's by his grace that everything went as smoothly as it did. And it's by his grace that she has made a full recovery. Because of thsi experience J and I both came back to the Lord. J especially. After this we both got back into church, and she got saved. It was amazing. But it also brought us that much closer. I don't know what I would do without her in my life. She is always there for me. She is always there to hug me when I need it and laugh when I need it. She is absolutely one of the greatest friends anyone could ask for and I'm so blessed to have her.

All of a sudden, God decided to once again remind me that the young are not invincible, and tomorrow is not promised. My friend V has been really sick the last few months. No one could pinpoint exactly what it was. She has been in and out of the ER with doctor appointments after doctor appointments. It just keeps getting worse. Well yesterday she finally figured out why. After another night in the ER and being on an IV all night, the doctors finally told her that she has a bad liver, and that if she continues her lifestyle she could be dead in a year. She's 22. This came as a shock to both of us to hear. How could someone so young be that sick? We both know people much older than her that have lived much worse lifestyles that don't have these problems. And once again I found myself asking God "Why?" It's so hard to think that her entire life has to be changed. She's young and wanting to have fun. But she can never again have a glass of wine, or a margerita or anything along those lines. That's tough stuff for someone so young. But it was a wake up call. Once again God is in control and all powerful. God can give or take away at any point. So appreciate what you have, every breath, every blink of an eye, every moment, every loved one, the sunshine, the rain, and everything in between. And just because you're young doesn't mean it can't happen to you. But we are so thankful that God IS  all powerful, because he made sure those doctors found out in time. He blessed her with friends and family who love and support her through all of this. And he reminded her that he is there. So V and I are going to start going to church together and I'm going to support her in the lifestyle changes she is making by doing them with her. (She is the future roomie btw) because she is a magnificent person. She tells me how it is to protect me from myself. She supports me and loves me. And she means the world to me.

God works in mysterious ways. Sometimes we don't understand why he does what he does. And sometimes it hurts. But it always makes us stronger. It always brings us back to him. And it always serves a purpose.

Isaiah 41:10So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Food For Thought:

One night I had a dream--
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord
and across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints,
one belonged to me and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest
and saddest times in my life.
This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you would walk with me all the way,
but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life
there is only one set of footprints.
"I don't understand why in times when I needed you most,
you should leave me."
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,
I love you and I would never, never leave you
during your times of trial and suffering.
"When you saw only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Thank You

Thank you, for being there for me. For understanding me. For loving me. 
No matter what life threw my way, you are there. 

No matter how much I don't make sense, and how confused I am, you are there. 
No matter how much I push and how difficult I make things, you are there. 
You are truly a life saver. 
My life wouldn't be the same without you in it 

Means the world to me :)

"Hey Kristen,
I just got through reading what I guess is your blog? I'm so out of touch with the world (haha). I just wanted to tell you that I'm praying for you, and that I am SUPER proud of you. I know that must seem weird coming from someone you barely know, but... I am very very very similar to you. You and I seem to have the same personality type, and I too had trouble submitting to God. I just wanted to encourage you, I finally have submitted...not that I don't struggle with issues still..but for the most part- I just gave up. I'm sure we have different reasons for being so stubborn, I'd be happy to share if you ever wanted to hear. Gee, I've got A.D.D. I can tell that God is working big things through you, and you have certainly taken the path less traveled. IM SO proud that you have decided to trust the Lord instead of "the world"...cant think of the verse right now, but Ill send it to you when I find it. It took a long, hard, destructive road for me to be at the place you are now. I think its great you are here (not that you haven't struggled). Take advantage of this time...God will show you great things, and I promise you will learn so much, and the best part...He will give you such a peace. I know that this is unorganized and scatterbrained, I just haaaaad to write something to you! Call me if you need anything..a prayer, encouragement, someone to talk to...I'll be here!"

Thanks SM it really means a lot! And we will definitely talk one day about our struggles. It makes it a lot easier to know there are others out there going through or who have been through what I'm going through right now!


"Pretty little thing sometimes you gotta look up
and let the world see all the beauty that you're made of"
-Miranda Lambert

If you haven't noticed, I'm obsessed with Miranda Lambert. It's like she sings my life. But this song most of all means the world to me. I was in a funk one day so of course I was listening to her CD. I've heard this song a million times but never before had it spoken to me like it did this day. I had my CD on random and it came on (sign from God). I almost lost it! This line has been stuck in my head ever since. I think of this everytime I get down and it just puts a smile on my face. LOVE IT.

Well today, while reading PinkLouLou (my daily ritual) I realized something. I continue asking myself and God "What now?" But I shouldn't be asking that. I should just put faith in the fact that He has full control and will lead me where I need to go. I just have to trust him to take me down the path I need to go on. And no matter what choices I make or what I do, he will be there loving me, guiding me, and supporting me.

So for now, I'm going to live my life one day at a time. I'm going to continue seeking Him, trying to be more like him. I'm going to let my heart be open and love. I'm going to laugh. I'm going to smile. I'm going to have a good time. I'm going to salvage my relationship with friends who I've pushed away. I'm going to come back to my family, Lord knows they've been there through it all, up-downs-twists-turns-and everything in between. No matter what my family has always been there. They love me when no one else knows how. They support me when I don't make sense. They pick me up when I hit rock bottom. They celebrate with me when life is great. They are my backbone, they are what makes (So thank you!) Most importantly, I'm going to be true to myself.

From this point on, I'm going to smile :) I'm going to hold my head high and live my life to its fullest with no regrets. Look out world, Kristen's back!

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Figuring it out

Today, I broke down. 

While at work I got on my blog and of course, read my absolute favorite blog PinkLouLou. During my "stalking" of this wonderful blog I ran across an engagement section. Now, for anyone who has ever read her blog you probably have found that she too was engaged and then called it off. She too didn't feel as though it was right. Our stories are a little different of course, but in general she was feeling the same things I've been feeling. Discomfort, fright, anger, hurt, sadness, relief, confusion, etc. But it was almost like therapy for me. Since this whole thing has happened I've been at war within myself. My heart tells me this is the right thing, but parts of me are just like "You're crazy! He's a great person, he is good to you, you're comfortable with him, what are you doing!" Then the voice of God steps in and says "Trust me, this is right"

As you may know, on Wednesdays I go and help out with the youth at my church. And of course, W does too. Mind you, this is the first time we've seen each other since the engagement was called off. Luckily we were cordial to each other. He's always going to be important to me, and I'll always love and care for him. There is no doubt about it. But right now, I can't think about anyone except myself and God. Remember that "war withing myself" I was talking about? It all came crashing down on me during the worship at church tonight. They played the song "How great is our God"
"Name above all names, you are worthy of all praise, and my heart will sing, how great is our God"
Tough stuff to say when you're at an odd with God. 

I've never been the submissive type. That's just not how I am.  Anyone who knows me can tell you that. I am headstrong, independent, and outspoken. I don't do well with taking orders from someone. And I definitely don't trust someone to make my decisions for me. But that's the thing about being a Christian. You have to "let go and let God" ... easier said than done. To be able to completely let down my guard and give it all over to him and trust him completely with my life and everything in it... so hard for me. But I know I have to . I mean he's the one that gave me this life to start with. Without him I wouldn't even be here to worry about this. This body, heart, soul, and mind aren't mine to make decisions for anyways. They are all gifts given to me because he loves me. So who am I to tell him he can't do as he wishes with them? 

Prayers are definitely needed right now for me, to get through this, but also for all the friends and family and W, who I know are all confused and possibly a little hurt from this decision. I know no one will ever understand why I did this, but don't ever think I did it with cruel intentions, please. 

Thank you, love you, goodnight

xoxo Kay

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

New Beginnings

So as you may know, I just recently ended an engagement. He was an amazing person. But we just weren't supposed to be together. And as that chapter of my life comes to a close, an all new one is starting to unfold.

Im on a mission to find myself. A few years ago I knew exactly who I was and what I wanted out of life. And then somewhere down the road I lost that person. I forgot who I was, what I wanted, and worst of all I forgot what made me smile. So starting now I will stop at nothing to get that back.

I'm off to a rocky but good start. Once you hit the bottom, you have nowhere to go but up right? Anyways, I have started to get back to my friends who I lost touch with. I'm starting to do things and have fun. But two HUGE steps, or what I like to call "Big Girl" steps, are currently underway. I am having my car put completely in my name. Right now my parents cosigned for me. But as of today at 5p.m. the car will be completely mine :) It sounds kinda silly but I'm so proud of myself for doing this! Another "Big Girl" step is really a big step, but very much needed. My friend Valerie and I are getting an apartment on our own. Now, I've left my house a few times but I've always come back. This time I won't be able to. I will finally be on my own for real, finally have sole responsibility over myself. It will be liberating. I know it won't be easy, but I feel like everyone should move out on there own at some point. I'm finally going to do it! We're just waiting on the Complex to email us and let us know our applications were accepted, which I have full and complete faith we will! I'll keep you posted on this.

But for right now, I'm just taking life day by day, and slowly but surely figuring myself out again. Hang on tight because this could get a little crazy :)