Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Holes In The Floor Of Heaven

Cause there's holes in the floor of heaven
And his tears are pouring down
That's how you know he's watching
Wishing he could be here now
And sometimes when I'm lonely 
I remember he can see
There's holes in the floor of heaven
And he's watching over you and me 

Friday is my Dad's birthday. He would have been 44 this year. 14 years ago on that day was the last time I ever saw him. Now I know this is kind of personal, and some of you might be a little uncomfortable reading this, but I just had to get it out. I've never really been one to talk about it, but I feel like now it's time. 

From what I've been told, my daddy was an amazing man. He always knew how to make people laugh and smile. He loved people unconditionally and whole heartedly. He was stubborn and hard headed. But he was a strong person. I guess that's where I get it from. I don't quite remember him because I was 7 the last time I ever saw him. It kills me that I couldn't get to know him like everyone else did. 

August 27, 1997 was the last day my daddy was on this earth. My Grandmother calls it his "Going Home" day. Because that's the day he met Jesus. He died in a drinking and driving accident. I don't quite know the entire story just because I've never really wanted to know, I feel like that's enough for me. 

For the longest time I hated him for leaving. And I hated God for taking him away from me. What girls deserves to lose her daddy? All the milestones in my life he missed. All the epic moments in my life he wasn't there for and won't be able to see. I don't remember him. I don't remember what his laugh sounded like. Or what his smile looked like. I don't remember his voice or his hugs. Nothing. It kills me to know he's never going to be there. I'm never going to get to meet him (at least not until I get to heaven). I just couldn't understand why he would do what he did knowing it could, and did, take his life. And why did God have to take him from me. Doesn't he know how important it is for a child to have their father? I still struggle with these thoughts sometimes.

I went years without going to his grave. I just couldn't bring myself to go. I didn't want that to be the only thing I thought about when I thought of my dad. But finally one day, I talked myself into going. And even before I got out of the car, I started crying. I hadn't been to his grave in YEARS and yet somehow I knew exactly which one it was when I got out of the car to go to it. I wasn't aloud to go to his funeral. My mom didn't want that to be the way I remembered him. So I went to the beach with the other side of my family instead. But from what I was told it was a still day. No breeze whatsoever. But all of a sudden  there was a slight breeze while everyone was at the grave site. It brought a calm feeling over everyone because they knew it was him telling them he was okay. They day I finally went to the grave by myself, it was completely still until I knelt down near the ground, and then all of a sudden a light breeze came through. It somehow made me feel at ease. It made me feel like he was right there with me. Every time I've been out there since it does the same thing. It's an indescribable feeling that i'll never get over. It gives me chills. 

About a year and a half ago, the movie "Last Song" came out. It's about a girl who loses her father. In no way are the circumstances the same in the movie as in what happened to my dad. But for some reason, that movie brought back so much pain that I had forgotten about for so long. All of a sudden I got mad again. Directly after the movie, I went to his grave and just screamed to him. (I know he isn't there, but it's where I talk to him-sounds crazy I know). I screamed "How could you do this? How could you just leave me like this? Didn't you love me?" etc. Everything I ever wanted to say to him I just let go that day. I cried hysterically for the longest time. I just had so much anger and hurt and hatred in my heart that had built up for so long. I'm not one for saying how I feel. I bottled up everything for almost 13 years and it all just came exploding out. I'm sure  I looked crazy screaming at nothing but I didn't care. 

As crazy as it sounds, I haven't been back since that day. It's almost like I feel embarrassed to show my face there again. Not because of anyone else but because I know I'm ashamed towards him. I should have never acted that way and definitely shouldn't have said some of the things I said. Even if he isn't here to hear them I feel like he heard them in Heaven. I didn't mean a lot of what I said. I don't honestly think he did it on purpose. I know my daddy loved me. And I know if he had the choice at the time he would still be here today. 

August 5 and August 27 are always hard days for me. But for so long I never really dealt with them. I've always done something those days to keep myself occupied because those are the only days I ever really let him not being here get to me that much. Don't get me wrong, everyday I'm reminded of the fact he isn't here, but more so on those days. This year, I have finally decided that I'm going to face them. I'm going to let myself be alone on those days. Left completely alone with my emotions and God. It's going to hurt. Believe me I know. But at some point in my life I have to face it. I have to let myself fully feel it. It's the only way I'm ever going to heal and be able to move on. I'll never forget and I'll never fully get over it, after all he is my dad. But I can let my heart fill that void that I've left open for so long. I can allow my aching heart finally be freed from the pain. And maybe then, I will be able to let myself love myself and others. 

Prayers will be very much needed and greatly appreciated. It's going to be hard but with God holding me every step of the way I can make it through.