Sunday, October 9, 2011


Today, I feel released.

I have had such a burden on my heart about so many things in my past. About my mom, my dad, my walk with God. Just so much has been heavy no my heart and its been literally tearing me down. But its so amazing to me how God can put just the right person, with just the right words to say or things to do, at exactly the right time to make you "wake up" and see what's going on.

If you all can remember, I told you about J, my very dear friend who had the boating accident.
Well before her, I was so lost. I was headed down a very dark and very scary path. I had lost my way with God and was trying to face the world alone. I was going out, partying, drinking, and just being a complete fool. I was "living in the world". Then when that happened to her, it scared me to death. Losing a friend can make anyone terrified. She was my "wake up call" Even with all that had happened to her, even with her and her mom both being out of work, struggling with finances, even with all the pain and recovery she was facing, J held her head high because of her unwavering faith that God would come through and provide for her and her family. She wasn't scared a bit. She knew God would take care of her and she knew that all of this was happening to her because God had a plan for it.

It was truly amazing to see this. Never before in my life had I experienced someone being that faithful. I mean I'm not saying there aren't people in my life that have the same unwavering faith and strong walk with the Lord, this was just the first time I had experienced it first hand and really paid attention. God used what happened to her to work in my life. I fought tooth and nail with him for so long. And then this happened and I woke up and realized what I had been missing. Instead of trying to face the world alone I had realized nothing was possible without God. I just needed to have faith that he would take care of me in every situation, no matter how hard it may seem. "The good Lord gives us mountains so we can learn how to climb"

After that day, September 12, 2011, I knew I needed to get God back in my life. But then the devil came back and attacked my heart once again. He kept telling me how unworthy I was of God's love and how I had to fix myself and my life before I could come back to him. I had to get right before I could come back to church. And for the last month, that's exactly how I've been feeling.

Then today, I was at lunch with my family and my grandmother wanted to take me to my dad's gravesite to put the fall flowers out with her and to just talk a llittle bit about him. She knew I had been struggling with anger issues as far as losing him. So she wanted to try to help me feel a little more at ease about everything. And as we were out there talking about him, she told me stories about how other people would come to her and tell her about how amazing and caring and giving my father was. How he was just so loving and such an honest man. How he had christian ethics even though he fell short of the glory of God so many times. And she said "It's sad to say it took losing your father and having others tell me he was a good man for me to really see the good in him. But sometimes when someone hurts you so much it's hard to see any good in them at all. But I want you to know, you need to see that no matter what someone may do to hurt you, there is some good in everyone."-in this referring to my parents.

For such a long time I have been fighting with my mom. The relationship I've had with her has been rocky my whole life. I've had such a resentment towards her. Such a hatred towards her. I blamed her for everything that went wrong in my life. I was just so let down by her. I felt so betrayed. I just couldn't see how there was a good person in her at all. Then hearing my grandmother saying this, it all became clear to me. My mother isn't a bad person. She just has allowed satan to put demons in her life. She's allowed those demons to take over her. But deep down, she is a good person somewhere. And the only way for me to truly find peace with her is to find that good.

Then we continued on to talk about where I was in my life, and how I had let those burdens of my mom and dad take over me and brought demons into my life. How I had allowed the ill feelings towards my mom and the anger at losing my dad turn me against God and put me down the wrong path. But that I wanted to let it all go. I wanted to come back to God. But I just didn't feel like I could come back to him until I had let my demons go. But then saying that, I realized how stupid I sounded saying that out loud. And I remembered something my preacher said one day in a sermon.
"You don't get your life right to come to God, you come to God to get your life right"

All of a sudden it just felt like all the chains I had were lifted. I felt so free finally. I felt like the holes I had in my life were gone and all the sadness and the loneliness I had were replaced with peace.  I finally knew what it meant to "let go and let God".
I finally realized what it meant for me to be a christian, and what it was God wanted me to do.

It feels so liberating. And it also feels so good to be able to post this and finally get off my chest so many things that I've had buried so far down in my soul. I'm so grateful for all that God has done in my life and for all the people he has brought around me. I am so thankful for all the prayers people have had for me thus far. And I continue to ask for prayers, for they have been such a blessing!

Play Pretty <3